and again…
feb 11-18, 2026
On Feb 1st, I found out I was pregnant. Less than 48 hours later, I was miscarrying. What a joke. The thing I found extremely annoying was the word “normal”. Genuinely sick of that word. Everything is always normal until you’re left empty-handed yet again. And then it’s all excuses.
What do you do in a situation like this again? At this point, I’m frustrated and annoyed. I received a revelation from God about our next child, and then when this happened, it felt like a slap in the face. I felt like a little girl whose daddy said he’d come pick her up and forgot about her. I felt abandoned and betrayed, lied to. I knew the revelation I had gotten was real due to the ways he’d confirmed it. But again, I was left empty-handed and hurt. God can’t lie, so what I heard must be true.
So I ran. I’m not the perfect Christian by any means AT ALL. So sometimes I run. I felt like He’d left me behind, made me into a laughing stock again. In the moment I decided I was done trying for a baby, maybe I really am, maybe I’m not, I don't know. I do know I don’t want to put my body or my mind through this again.
I feel far from God. I don’t like it. It’s honestly really uncomfortable. But I have nothing left to give in this moment.
When we told people that I was pregnant, some people seemed to be almost prepping for disaster instead of being excited with us. A lot of people were discouraging and placing doubt in my mind. This, for me, literally kept me up at night, swimming in doubt. We were told not to tell people or to keep it secret for some time, and some other things I'll keep private for now, but also hurt deeply. We realized no one would be excited for us anymore when it came to pregnancy; everyone just expected loss after Ari, which hurts a lot. But in the end, they were right. This brought me back to Psalms 13, the line reads, “Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, 'We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.”.
I followed a woman on Instagram years ago who had a daughter and kept getting pregnant and losing the babies, and then got pregnant again and had a son. She had said she was done; one person can only get pregnant so many times in one lifetime. At the time, I was so sad, and I didn’t understand how she could just give up. And now here I am, and I get it now. I’m sad that I get it, but I understand why now. I agree that one person can only get pregnant so many times in a lifetime before it just becomes too much.
Here’s the thing. I don’t doubt God’s capability. I know He can and will make it happen for people; I’ve seen it happen. But for me, I am tired, and I do think I have reached my limit.
In this, I have come to realize that impatience might be the root of all this. Not completely, but almost like Sarah. I was impatient in areas where I tried to convince myself I wasn't. I am not saying I have this whole thing figured out, or that I know exactly why this happened, or what the reasoning behind it is. Let's be clear, I do not. To be frank, I'm still in the thick of this grief.
The people around my husband and me have tried to help a great deal, and we are so appreciative. I think, with all the different talks we've been getting, we're left wondering whether we can expect people to understand why we've been so impatient. Something about losing 3 babies, having this carrot dangled in front of you, hurts, as no one around us could possibly understand just how deep this goes for us, especially at this point.
