A Peace Beyond Understanding

April 6, 2026

Nearly a week ago i brought mamas two angels to socials. Extremely nerve-racking, but I did, under protest, might I add. In the time that I have, I stumbled across a woman's page that suffered the exact same thing that happened to me. It made me realize that there’s a reason we are to share our story with others. No one gives you a step-by-step process on how to grieve such a loss, because there isn't one. The only way I was truly able to navigate this loss was with God and the people He allowed in my corner at that time. Here’s the whole story:

March 4, 2025, I took a pregnancy test, really not expecting much from it because I had only ever had one positive before that ended in a miscarriage. But when those two lines showed immedialty i was shocked. I ran across the house yelling my husband’s name to show him the test. He looked at me in complete disbelief. We get in the car and run to the store to get a digital test because, for some reason, we needed to actually see those words “pregnant”. On the way, I call my friend, who I now know ironically was in the gym praying for this exact thing to happen. I showed her the test, and she and her husband were on the way to our house. My husband and I get back to the house and take a second and a third test, and of course, those words “pregnant” show up. Within minutes, our friends are at the door praying over us, and my husband is anointing our home.

Fast forward six weeks into this pregnancy, and I am VIOLENTLY sick. I end up having to quit my job because I quite literally cannot get out of bed. I am diagnosed with Hypremsis gravidirum.  Violent throwing up 24/7. I wasn't able to eat or drink anything other than a couple of sips of water during the day. I ended up in the ER, severely dehydrated, to the point where they weren't able to get IVs in my arm. I end up on multiple different pills to help me survive during the day and at least get a palm-sized worth of food in for the day. Because of how sick I was, I lost over 30 lbs during my entire pregnancy.

At 14 weeks, the day of our gender reveal, I started to bleed. The 3rd time now in this pregnancy that we end up in the ER. Let me be extremely honest at this point, I am not in my bible at all. I am still shaking off the effect of the first miscarriage and then some. But in this moment i am praying to God and asking Him if my baby is okay. As I said before, this was the day we were supposed to find out the gender, so we called our friends who knew the gender and were gonna take our photos for this day. We let them know what was going and again they were on their way. While sitting in the ER room, we are just praying as much as we know how to at this point. I have my blood work and all kinds of tests done, and everything is coming back negative. I then have a scan, and there our baby is moving all around like crazy. I am told that the heart rate is perfect, the baby is perfect, it just looks like I had a subchorionic hemorrhage behind the sac, and that the bleeding would pass within the week. After the scan, our friend comes in and gives us a talk I'll never forget. She says, “You need to believe that God has this child”. She then pulls out a bag, reveals the gender of our baby, and its two baby girl onesies. In that moment, all I could do was laugh because I had told my husband, when I first got pregnant, that I had a dream that we cut into a cake and the color was pink. my poor husband just started to cry at the realization that he was going to be a girl dad.

4 weeks later, on my birthday, I have an appointment, my first appointment alone, and what ended up being my last appointment. I told my doctor that I was feeling extremely low, so uncomfortable that I couldn't sit at times. I was told it was normal. I then told her I felt what I thought at the time was a Braxton-Hicks, but what I now know was my girl flipping getting ready for birth before it was time. Just a week later, we celebrated my husband's first fathers day, and then two days later, our world flipped upside down. I got up at 1 am to use the bathroom like always, and the moment I stood up, my water broke, at exactly 19 weeks pregnant. I turned the lights on because I thought it was blood and felt relief, but also confusion when I noticed it was clear liquid. My first thought was, please God, no, it's too early. I screamed for my husband (fortunately for me hes a night owl and was already awake), who came running, asking me what was wrong, and all I can remember is saying, “I think my water broke, we have to go now.” My husband, being as nervous as he was, started googling to explain away our worst fear. We get in the car and literally race to the hospital, that might I add is not on the base that we live on, but two bases over. when we get there, i am immediately put into a room and evaluated, where they concluded that my water absolutely did break. they medical terms they used my husband didnt understand but having a little expierience in the medical feild i understood wht she said right away and started to uncontrolablly sobbing, all while my husband standing up continuously saying “what does that mean, what does that mean why are you crying?”. In my hysterical crying, all I could do was turn over and say to him, “I am so sorry I can't make you a dad”, and he just looked at me so confused until I explained to him what the doctor said. He went silent, then told me it wasn't my fault. We waited for what felt like forever in that room, all the while I was having an anxiety attack, which led me to throw up. Soon after, I started to bleed bright red blood profusely. We got a scan, and to our surprise, our girl was still alive with a heart rate in the 150s; confused was an understatement. I am changed into a gown and admitted to the hospital. I stay there for 3 days until I am able to see the high-risk doctor, who essentially tells me I can either terminate (of course, our answer is no) or we could wait until the 20-week mark to start the treatment process. After 3 days, we get the okay to go home, as we pack our hospital room, our friends call multiple other couples to come pray over us in that room, they even call our friends that are already back home in the states, and everyone just starts to pray over us heavily. We go home, baby still in my belly, but no definitive answers. Our friends fast for a day with my husband, and I spend most of that day sleeping. That night, I feel so much pressure and cramping and tell my husband we should go back until the 20-week mark, and the option we were given but denied at first. So we pack a bag and head back and get admitted again. For the next couple of nights, the baby and I will be monitored throughout the day and night. I get my anatomy scan, which shows nothing we didn't already know. Later that day I started to feel the most intense contractions (i felt these a few days earlier but i ignored them becasue i didnt want to be right), i was in pain the whole day, i tried to go to bed early but kept getting up every 30 minutes, even my husbadn could tell something was wrong but we didnt want to admit our worst fear was coming true. We called my nurse in, who then called our doctor, who confirmed I was in labor, so much so that she could see our baby's head. In that moment, I looked over at the bed they put the babies in after they are born, and I asked the Lord that, whatever happens next, just give me peace in it. I had no idea just how much peace He would give me. That night, we didn’t really sleep more than 3 hours. Everyone came rushing in, starting the process and preparing the room. My husband sat next to me playing worship music, praying over me, and reading scripture. Our nurse came in and prayed over us, forever grateful for my team of nurses, the sweetest ladies ever. The contractions got worse, but somehow the Lord allowed me to sleep through most of it. Around 7:45 am, I began pushing, not long after she was out, her dad cut her umbilical cord, and got to hold her during her first moments of life. He let out a cry that is forever embedded in my head. When everyone left our room, my husband handed me our daughter, and I got to meet the prettiest girl ever, Ariah Alexis, stealing her daddy's face, another thing forever embedded in my memories. 30 minutes later, as I held her, she took her last breath.

What happened to me is called PPROM, Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes. Without the amniotic fluid, her lungs couldn't develop. Nothing I could have done, but the thing I could rest in is that I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby girl. My labor and delivery went smoothly. God’s grace.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I asked God to allow me to meet my child, and I did. Maybe not in the way I wanted to meet her, but nonetheless, I got hold of her, kissed her, and admired her tiny hands and feet. For that, I do thank Him.